Dear Santa,

I want Kevin Durant, Patrick Kane, Mike Trout and O’Dell Beckham Jr.

Just kidding. I’m going to try to keep this semi-realistic (sorta)

1.) The ghost of Steve Van Buren to tell DeMarco Murray to get his sh*t together

2.) The Phanatic to coach 1st base or at least catch some bullpen sessions

3.) Longer sleeves for Sam Bradford. Seriously, apart from Peyton Manning and kickers who wears them like this ?

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via philly.com

4.) A huge contract for Fletcher Cox $$$$$

5.) The Sixers to start playing like they do on my PlayStation. I’m 18-1 riding a 15 game win streak. Me>>> Jerry Colangelo #trustMYprocess

6.) Either for Steve Mason or Neuvirth to get in a goalie fight. Hextall would be proud.

7.) To finally see Sidney Crosby drop the gloves and get beaten like he stole something.

8.) Allen Iverson to come out of retirement. I don’t want him to play, but his press conferences would be comedic gold during losing skids.

9.) Bring back Jamie Moyer, he’s only like 71 right ?

10.) Duct Tape for Larry Brown’s mouth. Okay we get it you were a great coach, but nobody will listen to you when the NCAA  puts you in timeout every other day, like you stole from the candy jar.

11.) Somebody to cork Ryan Howard’s bat.

12.) To clone Darren Sproles so we can have him forever.

13.) About 4 more sequels to Creed.

14.) Some more useless drama for the Sixers. I mean they’re the most fascinating one-win team ever for questionable reasons.

15.) Jon Dorenbos should be the halftime show for the Eagles.

16.) The Flyers should just have a roster with 20 Shayne Gostisbehere’s

17.) More players from Russia and eastern Europe on the Flyers because their names are way to easy to pronounce.

18.) The Sixers to take advantage of the potential market opportunities they have. If Nik Stauskas has his own brand of hot sauce then some Jahlil Okafor boxing gloves or Joel Embiid Shirley Temples would turn huge profit.

19.)  The NFL to bring back stick-um so the Eagles can catch the friggin’ ball. I almost miss Greg Lewis, Freddie Mitchell, and Todd Pinkston

20.) Philly really needs a WNBA team. Ha……

21.) The Phillies should offer Lenny Dykstra a front office position. Word on the street is he can really manage a budget….. ( Fun Fact: his daughter-in-law is Meadow Soprano)

22.) Somebody gets to give Jordan Hicks some Keith Richards DNA so he can play forever. If that was possible he would be my great-great-grandkid’s favorite player.

thLKMH74RS

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via fastphillsports.com

23.) The Sixers should start their own brand of anti-depressants, specifically for watching games.

24.) Lauren Hart needs her jersey retired (if she wore one)

25.) An annual boxing match between the guys on 94 WIP and 97.5 The Fanatic.

26.) All teams should have free Joe Conklin shows after losses.

27.) The Phillies to rename Ashburn Alley to Eric Bruntlett Boulevard. There should be a Matt Stairs-case somewhere too.

28.) Retire Nnamdi Asomugha’s jersey. He played awful and still married a movie star. Gotta  give credit where its due. He made a zillion dollars and ended up with Kerry Washington.

29.) A time machine to watch the Phillies in 2 years.

30.) PLEASE bring in Bill Walton to announce Sixers games.

31.) Put Ilya Bryzgalov in the ring of honor for this interview.

32.) Better nicknames for the Sixers. How can we go from The Doctor, Chocolate Thunder, The Boston Strangler, Chairman of the Boards, and the Kangaroo Kid, and not have a single quality nickname for any Sixers ?

33.)  Get Chip some more visors…

34.) Do me a favor Santa and give Andrew Bynum coal on Christmas Day for the rest of his life, and the other 364 days of the year too.

35.) Can I please get a Chip Kelly play card when I’m trying to tell people what to do ?

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36.) Merrill Reese to write a book about his least favorite plays in Eagles history, because I’m sure it would be hilarious.

37.) CSN should mic-up Brett Brown during games. I’m sure listening to him scream in his “Bostrailian” accent (He was born in Maine and grew up in Australia) would be the best thing to boost ratings.

38.) Sam Bradford should wear something like this so he doesn’t get hurt anymore.

guillermo-wrapped

39.) More Howard Eskin please !!!…………

40.) I want Ben Simmons, but his face will probably look like this getting drafted to the Sixers.

Christmas Story bunny suit

P.S.- Santa I promise I won’t throw snowballs at you.

 

 

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